ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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