My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm really busy with my period
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