So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
