Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
