My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
