apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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