3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
