white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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