Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
