I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
