life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
