doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
