All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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