Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
