I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize