There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
