His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize