I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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