Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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