Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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