i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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