Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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