I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize