I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
