I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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