I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
