you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
