I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
