i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
