you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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