just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I pour the whiskey from now on
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
