It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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