He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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