I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
