Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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