my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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