I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
