my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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