rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
