direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am available for nakedness
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
