i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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