Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
