I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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