she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
