Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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