Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
