you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
