Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
