dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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