fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
