Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
