i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
