I wanna bring you to show and tell
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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