I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize