GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
