someone threw a dead crab at me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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