i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
