He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
