My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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