this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
