Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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