Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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