Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
