If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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