I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
