i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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