Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
