He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
