Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
